More than I Deserve

Sorry the update this week is a few days late…given the circumstances this might be the last of these weekly emails and I was feeling pressure to make it a good one, but it’s still a little bit difficult for my brain to focus long enough to write. So this is a pretty inadequate summary of the latest happenings, how I’m feeling, and what’s ahead, but I wanted to make sure anyone who was concerned knew the latest, and I’ll just use the old standby ‘car accident’ excuse as the reason for the inadequacy J

Anyway, as most of you know, I think, I’ve been released as a missionary and am back at home to rest and take some time to get back to 100%. It’s not that there is really anything to worry about, it’s just fatigue and other pretty minor stuff (typical of things like this) which wouldn’t have allowed me to do the full-time missionary thing. I would have been slowing things down and not able to contribute the way that is needed, plus it’s apparently just good practice to take some ‘rest’ time after these things. The plan is to ‘rest’ and once I feel back to 100%, we will figure out what’s next. That could mean going back to Ohio, or it might mean staying here and having my four months as a missionary be it.

It’s been a weird couple weeks to say the least, but the theme for those few weeks (and really the four month of being a missionary, the last year, even beyond) has been that I’ve received more blessings of all sorts than I deserve.

Though I don’t remember the accident or much of what happened for the following two weeks (March 2nd is the first day I really remember), what I do know about that time is that I received more love and support (especially in the form of prayers) than I ever could have thought possible. The total volume of people who were aware of me and concerned, despite the fact that most hadn’t and probably wouldn’t ever meet me, frankly just blows me away. I started to list out specific people here and what they did for me but had to stop because my memory of that period of time is iffy enough that I’m sure I would forget too many. But the point is, I’m in awe and so grateful to all of you.

As far as how I feel about being released and what might be next…there’s a lot that I probably haven’t processed yet, and I imagine that it’s going to be pretty difficult when I do, but the very first thing I remember after the accident (no idea when this was or where I was) was just knowing that things were going to change, and that it was all going to be fine. I have no idea what that means exactly, but I believe it.

If it means not going back to Ohio I will be sad because there are people there that mean a lot to me. But really, despite the fact that missions are HARD, it was privilege to get to do that, even if it was just for four months. It was a privilege I didn’t deserve, being late to the game at 27 and for all kinds of other reasons, but I am really grateful to have been given the chance.

I don’t know how to define a missionary experience as ‘successful’ but I would think it ought to be related to how much a missionary helped people. In that sense I don’t know if my four months could be counted as ‘successful’. But no missionaries go and come back without being helped themselves, and while I wouldn’t call that ‘success’ per se because the purpose of a mission isn’t to help the missionary, I would call it an incredible blessing and if missions were evaluated based on how much they changed the lives of the missionary, I think the impact of mine on me would be too astronomical to measure on any kind of scale.

It was a privilege to be a missionary, to meet the people I met, and learn and grow and change as a result, and while the last couple weeks aren’t exactly what I would have planned, it’s been a privilege to be on the receiving end of so much love. I don’t know what’s next but I know it’s all going to work out fine because ‘I know in whom I have trusted’ (2 Ne. 4).